I actually got flamed on my own blog. I know it happens to many, and I’ve seen the rippling effect it causes. Well, I’m going to talk about it.
When I posted about wanting to find a home for my dog, a few of my personal friends thought that I should have included more details in the post. To be honest, I didn’t really want to get into it publicly, and since the decision is already wrenching my heart out, I didn’t want to spend a lot of time articulating the specifics.
I guess getting flamed has changed some of that. Plus, if one of you said it, more of you are thinking it, and while I don’t feel the need to necessarily defend myself, I would like to illustrate how attacking someone when you don’t know the whole story is both ineffective to the professed purpose, and really close-minded.
And, of course, the nasty comment was left anonymously. They usually are. And I don’t wonder. It’s embarrassing to be that rude.
Here is the comment, and then I will address it.
“I think it’s irresponsible when people get puppies, don’t think about the type of breed they are and whether that fits in their lifestyle (hello – young golden retrivers are hyper!), don’t train them properly or give them the activity they need, and then want to dump them when things aren’t going so well. When you adopt a pet, they are a responsibility you agreed to take care of – not an item you can dispose of when you don’t want it anymore.
And then you make a post today where you pride yourself on how you fix things up rather than throw them away. A little bit of the hypocrite.
Why don’t you train your dog and keep it??
I give you credit for looking for a good home for him becuase a lot of people get too busy to look and just dump them at shelters. But really you should have though a bit more about what you were getting into when you took him in. Please think before you get another pet.”
In the first place, we gave a tremendous amount of thought as to what breed to get. The reason I wanted a dog was to have a walking companion. I didn’t want a puppy. After the third rescue/shelter dog attacked my children, I decided that getting and raising a puppy was a necessary step to get a dog that would be safe around my family.
I went to a training clinic before deciding on a breed. I talked to multiple trainers and my veterinarian. I talked to people that had dogs and kids. I talked to complete strangers I met at parks that had their dogs and kids with them. According to popular opinion amongst most everyone, Golden Retrievers are THE family dog. They’re calm. They’re friendly. They’re good with kids. Right?
By the time we went to look for a puppy, I had read up on puppy testing, and performed the tests methodically on the puppies we saw.
We chose one, brought him home, and I fully expected, after all that I’d read, a very active dog for the first 2 years. At which point, they’re supposed to calm down. Abner is now 3 1/2.
We also had timing in mind, as I knew we would have more children, and I wanted the dog to be at least 2 before I had another baby.
So this was hardly an impulsive, thoughtless decision.
When Abner was old enough, I enrolled us both in an 8 week training course, which he passed with flying colors. We did our homework. My dog not only responds to voice commands, but also silent hand signals. We’ve taught him tricks. We enforce the obedience daily, and make him “work” for things. Like we’re supposed to.
He is a good dog. On command he will sit. He will sit/stay. He will lay down. He will down/stay. Indefinitely. But released from the stay he is unexplainably hyper, to the point of not being able to control himself. The training did not change this. Nor did a brisk, exercise walk of 2 miles a day. He can’t live in a down/stay.
In the spring, when he was 6 months old, we were in a car accident. I tore a disc, among other injuries, and spent the next 9+months going to 3 chiropractor appts and 2 massage appts per week. After that, the appointments began to gradually lessen, but I have been in active treatment for that accident for the past 3 years, including intensive physical therapy and steroid spinal injections. I had an 18 month old, a 4 year old, and a 5 year old at the time of the crash, who were each in treatment for the accident themselves, and needed to have childcare arranged for my massages.
Admittedly, this hindered my opportunity to adequately socialize my puppy with other dogs.
At times when I could, I would walk with Abner. As I stated earlier, it made no difference in his hyperactivity, unlike the previous shelter dog I had walked with, in whom it made a tremendous difference.
At 12 months, on one of our walks, he was attacked by an off-leash dog. I don’t have much to say on that topic other than it was tremendously unfortunate, and I didn’t have the ability to get him over it at that time in my life.
I don’t know how I was supposed to foresee the car accident and the limitations it would put on my ability to responsibly raise a dog. But I did the best I could.
We’ve tried expensive herbal supplements targeting his nervous system. We’ve taken him off of dog food and done the raw diet for several months. Nothing has had an effect.
Right now, as much as I love him and hate to see him go, I’m scared for the safety of my children and my new baby. The last time we had a puppy and a baby, it was a puppy and a baby. Now we have an 80+ pound spastic dog that steps on and knocks over anything smaller than himself. And the heartbreaking thing is, he’d never hurt them intentionally. But he can’t control himself, and I think that knowingly putting my children at risk is true irresponsibility.
I am sure there are some animal advocates out there that still think I’m a horrible person for being willing to part with a dog that I had taken in and given a home to.
To the rest, I want to say that reading a blog, even one as open and candid as mine, doesn’t mean you know the whole story.
I appreciate passion, and conviction. I appreciate strong opinions, and have many of my own.
I dearly love animals. I also love people.
I do not, and never have agreed with attacking people, name calling, or being mean. It is not constructive. If what is desired is to open a person’s eyes to their wrongs, putting them on the defensive by verbally abusing them is completely counter-productive.
There was someone else that was upset by my post. She simply asked me why, and gave me an opportunity to explain. We had a nice conversation through email, and I appreciated her for it.
My goal with this post is to hopefully encourage someone to think twice before forming judgments, condemning, or attacking someone for something they aren’t fully informed about.
I would suggest, when something needs to be said, to first do it privately in an email, as opposed to a public comment. Secondly, word it such that you aren’t ashamed to put your name on it. Finally, keep in mind that we all come from different circumstances, and most of us are trying to do what’s right, even if we need guidance from time to time.
March 10th, 2006 at 12:12 am
I’m so sorry you have had negative comments from your post. I was afraid it would happen when I read it, only because I have been through it myself – not on my blog, but in person. Your children MUST come first and bless your heart for looking for a good home for Abner – sometimes, the best we can do is not enough to rectify the situation that we are in. You can do nothing more than, making sure he is in a good home and that your children are safe. I wish you all the best and will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.
March 10th, 2006 at 12:14 am
I’m sorry you got an unpleasant comment. Although, I don’t think you needed to explain the whole situation, I’m glad you did. Sometimes even if every responsible thing is done, a pet doesn’t work out. Your post points this out. Finding a good home for that pet is the best choice. Although I don’t like it when irresposible people get a pet and then get rid of the animal, it doesn’t sound like that is what happened here.
March 10th, 2006 at 12:30 am
Kudos to you.
March 10th, 2006 at 12:31 am
That’s pretty lame that someone would make a quick judgement like that and then send you an anonymous post. Even before reading the full story here today, I thought you’d shown more than enough patience with your dog. It’s a tough thing to part with a companion that you’ve had for so long, but how can someone argue when a mother makes a decision to protect her own children? It sounds like the person who flamed you doesn’t have any kids – otherwise, I’m sure they would have been more understanding.
March 10th, 2006 at 12:32 am
People are allowed to find new homes for pets that don’t work out. You need not feel guility nor apologize for your actions. Your dog is not right for the situation– and that is not good for the dog either. His next home may be a place where he will live happily and crazily for the rest of his life, well loved and free. Your only obligation is to make sure he is safetly moved to his next life.
March 10th, 2006 at 12:57 am
As an owner of multiple pets simultaneously (dogs and cats) during my enitre 39 years of living, I too have had to find my darling, beloved pets other homes from time to time. It happens. It’s horribly gut wrenching, and incredibly difficult, and the absolute only solace is that you have done the best you could do before finding another, more suitable, home for your beloved family member. You are to be admired for putting your human family first, especially with a newborn rapidly on the way! The mean spirited person who left you an annoymous comment should be appropriately hanging their head in shame for jumping to such quick judgements! The safety of your children must come first, period. As much as I love my current 7 year old mixed breed dog, she would have a new home today if she could cause harm to my 4 year old. You are a mother to be commended, not condemned!
March 10th, 2006 at 2:02 am
I must admit, years ago, I would have had a similar gut reaction to a person giving away a pet.
But times change–I’ve gotten older and realized that life throws you curveballs. Since I’ve gotten pregnant, we’ve had to consider finding a new home for one of our dogs. He has always been a perfect dog–not too bright–but loving and gentle. Then, one day, out of the blue, he started attacking our other dog–one he outweighs by a factor of 5.
After talking with many experts, we realized it was a jealousy and domination thing, which was something we couldn’t tolerate with a newborn. I was crushed–my dogs are family and even the thought of having to find a new home for one of them had me in tears. We’ve been training and he’s been a lot better lately; I’ll keep with it and hope for the best but, in the end, I’ll make the same decision you did. I cannot put my child in harms way for any reason.
Not to defend that person but until you are faced with the situation–people just can’t realize how heart wrenching–but sadly necessary–it is.
I’m sorry you were flamed–especially for something that is a difficult and loaded issue…
March 10th, 2006 at 2:04 am
I’m sorry you got such a horrid response to your request – but hopefully the commenter will read this post and get a bit of education about jumping to conclusions with so little background.*sigh* The things that people decide are okay to do just because it’s the internet and you can’t see their face shock and sadden me.
Good luck finding a wonderful new home for Abner. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.
March 10th, 2006 at 2:20 am
Sounds like the same one that flamed me on my blog. I am 20 weeks pregnant and decided to give my dog up also. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made and this person made me feel like total crap. I ended up deleting the whole post and didn’t post for weeks. I commend you for putting this out in the open!! Good luck with whatever you decide for your puppy. This person obviously has no children and doesn’t understand the struggle we go through on a daily basis!
March 10th, 2006 at 2:57 am
People are so weird about animals. They are after all, animals. Should they be treated “humanely?” Of course. But it isn’t like you are dropping Abner off in the middle of Duvall and hitting the gas pedal.
This person is most likely doesn’t have kids. Anyone who has kids knows there is a new pecking order and understands. 4 kids and a dog is too much for any woman; unless you live on 40 acres.
Don’t pay her/him any mind. She is a coward.
March 10th, 2006 at 3:46 am
I feel giving up a pet, when done with thought and care, is a very respectful thing. It is a very hard decision and one that has to be made while taking all parties into consideration. You have done exactly that, and shared it with us. I am sorry you were flamed, that was wrong and shouldn’t have happened.
March 10th, 2006 at 3:58 am
This is why I have such a love/hate relationship with the internet. Anonymity breeds cruelty. Shame on anyone who makes quick judgments and doesn’t have the guts to put his/her name to it.
Sorry for the pain that must have caused! You need to do what is right for your family, I’m behind you 100%.
🙂
March 10th, 2006 at 4:07 am
You did the responsible and loving thing. Many people when faced with a boisterous dog, or one who does not fit well with family or circumstances will just chain it to a tree in the back yard or keep it in a fenced run. Others just dump them in the country somewhere. (Ask me how I know this!)
Anyone who has read my blog knows I adore dogs, and was heartbroken at the recent loss of my tiny poodle who was my constant companion. However I would not choose a dog over family.
When we were in the process of adopting our daughter, (13 years ago) I had to think long and hard about what was going to happen with our Scottish Terrier, Zoe. She had been with us for several years, but she was sometimes temperamental and territorial toward others outside the family. I was not sure how she would adjust to a new baby in the house. As much as I loved the dog, I was fully prepared to find her a good home if she showed any aggression or ill manner towards the baby.
A friend of mine loaned me a baby doll with a microchip that cried in a real baby voice. I was advised to begin wearing Baby Magic (or other specifically baby scented lotion/powder.) I did this for several weeks – and got the dog used to seeing us handle the “baby” and it making lots of noise. Thankfully when the baby actually arrived and was carefully introduced to Zoe (I dabbed Baby Magic on the receiving blanket ) she took one whiff and decided that was a “family” smell. She also soon learned that this growing being was the best food source in the house. She camped out underneath the highchair and always slept nearby wherever the baby was napping. We were lucky it all worked out. Howevver if it hadn’t, I would not have hesitated to make other home arrangements for the dog. Family is most important.
I’m sorry somone decided to jump to conclusions and flame you over your already difficult decision.
March 10th, 2006 at 4:50 am
I had asked you why…when you made the post, and although I did realize it really isn’t any of my business, I appreciated you answering me. Your explanation made me feel better knowing that Abner really is loved and has had good care. I am sure it is a hard thing for you to have to do 🙁
God Bless and Take Care!
March 10th, 2006 at 6:55 am
Laura, don’t feel too bad . Our daughter and son-in-law train service dogs.
The last one was a golden retriever and she was too hyper to be used. They have kept her but she is now about 6 years old and still bouncy! Their kids were all grown so no problem there.
March 10th, 2006 at 8:58 am
Laura – I am sorry that someone so cruelly flamed you. As Kathy says, the anonymity of the internet often boldens people to behave in ways that they would never dream of doing if in a face to face situation. It is only natural and right to put the safety of your children first – any animal would not hesitate to put the safety of its own babies before anything else. And we are, after all, animals, albeit animals with opposable thumbs! 😉 Kudos to you for not just dumping your dog a day’s drive away or at the nearest dairy farm or just putting it to sleep, but for actually taking the time and caring enough to find it a good home. And you probably know that there are breed specific rescue organizations which are usually very nice about taking animals and placing them in good homes. A friend of mine adopted her extremely spastic but loveable golden from a golden retriever rescue organization in a nearby state and another friend of mine had to give up her shih tzu to a rescue organization after her child was born – both were very happy with the organizations. You probably already have the info, but here is the link to the Seattle Purebred Dog Rescue http://www.spdrdogs.org/ hope it helps! I’ll be sending warm thoughts your way.
March 10th, 2006 at 10:29 am
Laura, isn’t it nice to be at an age where we don’t need to live our lives by committee? You have made your well thought out decision and that is all that matters – you will most certainly find Abner the perfect home and his new family will owe you a debt of gratitude for all of the work and TLC you have put into him. You and your family must always come first – certainly above the opinion of the nasty few.
March 10th, 2006 at 11:00 am
I love you and am so proud of you. I am very aware of the time, effort, and love that has gone to Abner, along with the prayers. The time has come when there is no where else to go. You made the right choice, which is what you do!
Love you,
mom
March 10th, 2006 at 4:07 pm
How strange people think it’s ok to voice opinions about people they’ve never even met.
I think it’s a wise decision. This might sound awful, but I’m not sure if I was having a baby, and had a dog, if I would keep the dog either, based on a story that happened to a friend of a friend (I know, sounds made up). A couple had their first baby, and it was only a few weeks old. It was crying and hungry, and the mother left her on the middle of her bed to grab formula from her kitchen-one quick second-and came back to the baby on the floor. The family dog,(they think the dog thought the baby was in distress, because it was in no way agressive) had grabbed the blanket and pulled. The parents were obviously devastated.
So to even think your baby would be in danger around your dog? It’s a smart move.
March 10th, 2006 at 7:52 pm
I think it’s funny that people always say a Golden Retreiver is THE family dog. We have a Golden and he was so high strung that he would actually jump through closed windows to chase squirrels. He is a great dog now, but he’s 10. I think it took him maybe 6 years to simmer down. I understand that this is common for this breed of dog. I think people may forget what they went through before their Golden turned into that great family dog. If I had children when he was young, there is no way we could have kept him, as much as we love him. He’s excellent with my kids now, but like I said, he’s 10.
March 10th, 2006 at 9:52 pm
Delurking here but a follower of your blog. Just wanted to share that we rescued our little beagle from a rescue group because another dog in his first home would not accept him. He was well loved and it showed. Phewwy to everyone else who feel they can be so judgemental. Sending best wishes your way.
March 10th, 2006 at 10:29 pm
I love that your mom posted that comment. And damn. I hate when people do crap like that! People forget that our online lives are just pieces of the whole. I hate when people judge others and then take it even further to feel the need to leave anonymous comments. What EVER. Really mama. You have other things to worry about. You hear me?
March 11th, 2006 at 12:25 am
Laura, do not feel bad for your decision. Anyone who has read your blog knows all the time, effort, patience and love that you and your family have given to Abner. Kudos to you for thinking of the welfare of your family, and secondly, Abner’s welfare. I’m sure everything will work out. Keep your chin up!
March 11th, 2006 at 2:30 am
Well said Laura. The person who let the nasty comment obviously does not regular read your blog, because you’ve talked many times of all the things you’ve tried with Abner and how much you love him. Ignore the comment, and concentrate on all the exciting things that are happening in your life. And I hope that you find someone to take Abner who will love him as much as you do. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could visit him too after he moved?
March 11th, 2006 at 2:40 am
Family comes first, PERIOD. You do not have to explain yourself to us or anyone else, dear; if you feel keeping Abner would put your kids’ safety at risk, then as heartbreaking as it is he needs to find a new (child-free) home. That is sad, because he has become part of your family, but your kids are #1, and I think you’re doing the only responsible thing possible. Fie on those who flame. Fie, Fie I say!
March 11th, 2006 at 11:01 am
Well done, very well done.
March 12th, 2006 at 1:16 am
Perhaps that anonymous commentor hadn’t *known* you enough like the rest of us do, having the opportunity to read and follow you blog for some time.
Bless you and hope all the bad feelings will go away for you. Hey, you should be looking forward to the baby’s arrival happily! 🙂
March 12th, 2006 at 11:54 pm
Hi there! As I am the hmmm…..28th comment, not sure you will read it–but, here goes anyway. (btw, I have never left a comment here, but I am a regular reader of your blog) The reality is that the highly judgemental comment left really has nothing to do with you. That person, in a fit of “you fill in the blank”, took out some frustration on you. Well, and here is the part that I struggle with on a daily basis, it does not mean that you are a bad person. It is so difficult to stop and think of things in this way. I always want to step up and explain–(or be defensive as some people call it, whenever things like this happen, but, as you can see from the tons of other comments left for you–the folks who read your blog do not think you are a bad person. Crap, I hope this does not sound condescending or too much like therapy–just thought I would throw in my 2 cents. Anyway, I just really understand how one little comment can get under your skin and cause you to spend so much of your time questioning yourself.
March 14th, 2006 at 4:47 am
Awww…I’m sorry someone did that. It much be hard first of all having to give up your puppy but then someone making it worse and saying such hurtful things. Sorry….
April 6th, 2006 at 9:06 am
Hi Laura,
I too can appreciate your decision to find a new home for your Amber. The reality is that the dog is apt to be much happier in a new home where he will be able to be a “good dog.” If you had kept him he would have been kept away from the family activities a lot to protect your little Clark. Amber would have felt like the “bad dog.” So-o I’m sure you have found people who can give him lots of TLC. Maybe in the future you will run across someone who can’t keep a wonderful, mush-ball, good with kids, kind of dog who needs a new home not because of problems but because of the owner’s inability to keep the dog. I got a 4yr. old male dog who was very well trained, a really neat dog, because of a death in the family. Kudos to you for making the brave decision and finding Amber a loving home.
Also, thanks for involving Julie on Monday!!
Caroline