I think I’m getting to the point where I can do something other than read about Edward and Bella, though I’m still really enjoying the books. I read them all a second time through, and now just pick them up occasionally (several times a day) to re-read some favorite parts.

My girls are exasperated, Nate’s amused.

I finally picked up my needles again yesterday, and today, I’ve finished the left front of Abby’s cardigan, and started the right.

I had to re-work the neck once because I’d scooped it out a little too much. Hopefully, it’s better now. It’s still too dark of a sweater to get a really good picture.

Well, I’m pretty happy right now with how things are going. I still need to resume regular exercise, but I’ve been eating well. I haven’t been formally recording my meals into Calorie King, and to be honest, I’m probably not getting quite up to my minimum calorie intake, BUT, I’m trying to keep myself balanced. I’m getting my vitamins in my homemade protein shakes, and I’m trying to eat 3 times a day. (Food is still kind of repulsive to me, for whatever reason).

I feel good. I’m down to between 217 and 218, fluctuating. I hit the 215’s one day. That was exciting. My pants feel looser again, and my shirts are looking looser. My new bras have either stretched out a little bit, (not likely), or I’ve shrunk there a tad, too. I’m fastening them on the tightest hook.

This is all great for motivation.

Nate and I went golfing Thursday night, I think for the first time since the car accident 4+ years ago. It was fabulous, and great exercise. It was SO nice to be back out there, on the course. I hope that is something we can get back into.

How was your week?

I’m, uh, sort of infatuated with Edward Cullen right now.

Yes, it’s embarrassing. I’m a silly, sentimental, romantic little girl. But it’s true.

A friend of mine told me she was reading a fantastic Vampire book. I don’t read. No interest. But Nate is an avid, enthusiastic reader. He devours books. It actually makes me kind of crazy when Hayden comes over on Wednesday nights and she and Nate talk books for the first half hour. (I still love you, Hayden. Just a little jealous).

Anyway, I told Nate about the book, that it came highly recommended. So he bought it, and was a third of the way into it when I came home from spinning group Thursday night. He was really enjoying it, and told me about the plot so far. I was significantly more interested than I usually am when he describes the books he’s reading, (I still didn’t realize it was a relationship book) so he started reading it to me.

There are several reasons why I don’t read. First of all, it’s not how I enjoy spending my time. Secondly, I have a hard time with the mechanics of it. I tend to jump around on the page unwillingly, getting myself confused and taking three times as long as I should to keep finding my place on the page and trying to focus. (This is also why I don’t read a lot of blogs. My mechanical struggles make it extremely frustrating).

Third, when on the rare occasion I do find something interesting or gripping enough to make me want to read it, I can’t do anything else. I know a lot of people say that, but I really mean it. I haven’t been able to eat since last Thursday night. I don’t think I’ve consumed more than 400-600 calories a day since. I’ve lost 7 pounds.

I KNOW I sound psychotic. This is completely insane. Can’t help it. And what’s worse, I’m really enjoying it.

I’ve now read all three books (I don’t sleep, either. Walking is a hazard for me right now) but I’m not mentally able to let go yet, so I’ve started over with book 1. I’m making significant efforts to be a little more sane this time through, and I’m forcing myself to eat, but the smell of food is nauseating.

I had no idea, from my friend’s recommendation, that this was a romantic story. Wildly romantic. Sure, romantic in a high school, adolescent sort of way, but to be honest, that’s my favorite kind of romance story anyway. And my first exposure to the characters was Nate’s reading them to me.

So Edward’s beautiful, adoring voice is Nate’s voice in my head. Not to mention their similar physical makeup. While Nate isn’t the physical embodiment of perfection with the super-strength and muscular definition of an immortal vampire, they’re both tall, light complexioned, lean, and can be breathtakingly handsome.

Yes, yes, I know I’m being completely silly.

But to be honest, Edward says and does some things the way Nate does, and I hear his voice… Being already totally infatuated with my husband, it’s more than I can resist, an incredibly romantic story like this.

So, I’m ridiculous. I’m irresponsible. I’m self indulgent. And Abby’s sweater continues to be ready for neck shaping on the left front, and that’s all. Pre book, I expected hers to be done by now, and to have been well on to Veronica’s. This is totally messing up my timing on the fall sweaters for the kids.

Go ahead and laugh. Call me immature. I don’t really care, nor can I argue. But I haven’t had this much fun in a very long time.

Good morning.

I actually did rather well this week. Or, the last half of it, anyway. I only got in an hour of good exercise, but I ate well. It’s so hard for me to understand, when I eat the way I’m supposed to, why I struggle with it so much. Because it’s not hard. I feel so ridiculous.

Anyway, I’m pleased with my improvement this week, and will settle with that.

How was your week?

Kid knitting is so fast! I cast on for Abby’s left sweater front last night, and was almost to the armhole shaping before I stopped.

And I’m not a fast knitter! This is cool.

The back easily blocked out to 16 inches, and once it was dry and I gave it a good shake and fluff, it shrunk down to 14.5 inches, which is the gauge my swatch blocked to. So I’m going to add a little to the fronts to give a bit more room. If it doesn’t lay right, I’ll rip it out and redo it without the additional stitches, but I’m not worried. Either way, this is knitting up quick and painless so far. The only thing that has turned out different than planned is the length. I didn’t know how close to her armpits I should be before shaping the armholes, I went a little long, and then the armholes themselves just seem longer than I expected, even though they’re the correct measurement.

On the plus side, the sweater is now as long as Abby wanted it. I wanted it shorter. She and I disagree on the point that the layered look is cute, with the shirt coming lower than the over-sweater. She thinks it looks stupid. I showed her pictures. She didn’t care. Oh well. It’ll get worn more being to her liking.

It’s funny that I can go straight from that last post to this one. The feelings in both posts are accurate and sincere, and completely different.

Am I mental?

Anyway, I stayed home from church yesterday with my nitpicked children, and worked on sweaters.

The back of Abby’s sweater is done.

While it was wet and blocking, I looked through the yarn stash to see what I might use for the next kid’s sweater. I found that old kimono I was making for Veronica 2-4 years ago, can’t remember. It’s the only knitting I can think of that I’ve ever decided not to finish. The garter stitch is truly horrible.

I’m planning to make the Esther Williams hat into a sweater for V,

and I think I have enough of the purple to do it. Plus, I have a skein of a moderately darker purple that I might use to do the crocheted scallops around the neck, fronts, bottom, and sleeves. It’ll be an extremely feminine and fancy little sweater.

Ignore the red.

So we frogged it.

It made the most delightfully fluffy, curly yarn. The girls and I all ooohed and ahhhhhed. But we soaked it to straighten it out, and now it’s hanging in my bathroom to dry.

So far, this venture of knitting them all a sweater is really fun.

It’s been a rough few days. I’m tired of spending the first few hours of every day picking nits out of hair. (I’m writing this on Monday, pretending it’s Saturday for continuity’s sake, but my fatigue and attitude are most definitely inclusive of Sunday and Monday morning).

This afternoon (Saturday) we went to Nordstrom so I could buy a new bra. They still have the same bra I bought two two years go. Today, I bought one in the exact same size. Sigh. I know that the last two years of Health Group haven’t been a complete waste, but at this precise moment, it feels like they have.

The same size.

I’m always the same size.

It never changes, no matter what I do.

(The last two statements aren’t technically true, but it’s how I feel).

Now, I know that years ago, after the massive and rapid weight gain, but before the perpetual yet insufficient efforts to change, I was SO much worse off that I am now. I had no energy. No self esteem. And I couldn’t take a casual walk around the corner of the block from our apartment to church without being seriously winded.

(We’re not talking far, here. It was extremely pathetic).

I played softball a few weeks ago and didn’t die. It actually felt good. This is huge. This is worth it. I am healthier than I would have been if I hadn’t continued Health Group.

Why do I feel like such a loser?

The same size. The same bra.

I don’t think I have the heart to focus on weight loss for a little while, but I’m going to continue to try to be good to my body. To exercise it and make sure it gets the nutrients it needs. I may eat more calories than I should at times, but thanks to what I’ve learned from Calorie King, I can make sure that I at least give my body enough, and consistently.

Sorry if I’m sounding like a downer. I don’t think this resignation will last long, but it’s how I feel right now, and I’m indulging it.

Same size. Same bra.

Two.

Years.

Later.

If it does, and you combine it with the image of three girls and SIX HOURS, well, I really wouldn’t blame you for saying, “better her than me.”

Haircuts yesterday went much quicker than I expected and revealed, well, I can’t even type the word. I tried and almost retched.

So, Veronica was already up for a chin-bob-wedge.

She’d been begging me to cut her hair for months.

Liv got talked into it, though if that isn’t a forced smile, I don’t know what is. And that’s before we found the, uh, you know.

We cut 12 inches off of her hair. I measured.

She LOVES it.

Then it was Abby’s turn. Abby was quietly crying on the couch and I asked her to talk about it. She gave the saddest story of how they use school pictures on lunch cards that everyone sees all year long. In second grade, she thought her picture with her short hair was so ugly, and last year, (she smiled a little), her picture was kinda pretty with longer hair.

Mom dies of heartache here, and is SO glad she took the time to listen first instead of insisting (as is her tendency) that the girl get her butt up on the chair for a haircut.

The problem is that Abby has the most sensitive scalp of the lot, and I was convinced she’d spend the entire combing process screaming at me, as is her tendency, when there aren’t bugs involved.

Anyway, today sucked. Last night sucked. And I’m not even done yet. Nate brought thai food. I’m not usually an emotional eater, but I guess that this situation threw me over. Now I’m thinking about ice cream.

I took a brief break this afternoon to knit a little on Abby’s sweater. I’m so happy with it.

Oh, and my bra broke, so I have to go bra shopping again, which is LAAAAAME! And I ripped open the wound on my finger that was supposed to be closed up by now. (I almost cut the end off on Sunday while chopping onions).

Good times.

I’m about 8 inches up the back.

I’m feeling a little stupid. I swatched, blocked, and measured. Abby’s chest measures 27 inches. The pamphlet I have for basic patterns and yardage suggests a 32 inch sweater for Abby’s age. That seems extreme. I’ve heard that 4 inches is a good ease for a comfortable fit, but percentage-wise, that seems way too much for a kid, and this pattern suggestion would be 5 inches. So, the swatch measured at 5.5 stitches to the inch. I figured that if I followed the 32 inch pattern for a gauge of 5 stitches to the inch, it’d be a good compromise, not taking the extra twenty seconds to do the math, ’til I was 5 or 6 inches into it. So, instead of the back being 16 inches across, it’s going to be 14.5. Which will give me a 29 inch sweater. That’s still bigger around than her chest measurement, but it’s closer than I’d wanted.

Should I add a little bit of extra width on the two fronts?

To back up a bit, we did some sketches a couple of weeks ago, and Abby picked her style. Open front, tie at the top, set in and flared sleeves, deep scoop neck, simple stitch pattern. She picked a couple of stitch patterns, which I swatched, and we decided on the mock cable eyelet, size 7 needle. I’m going to follow the 32 inch pattern from the Handy Book of Sweater Patterns, modifying it somewhat to fit.

Today, the girls are getting haircuts. I’m not a fast haircutter, so it’s probably going to take much of the day.

My feet hurt already.